Old Biddy's advice for a good OKCupid email

Today I got a very odd email on OKCupid.  I'm not sure if he's trying out some "advanced" new pickup artist technique or is just bad at this, or both.

Dear Old Biddy,
Hello,
My name is Mr WTF. I have visited your profile on more than one occasion in the past day that I have been on this site. I have looked at others but keep coming back to yours. I feel I may be stalking you via this site and its disconcerting. If you would care to discuss the matter so as to resolve the issue I would greatly appreciate it. Please feel free to contact me.
Sincerly,

Mr WTF

Um, WTF, Mr WTF?!?!.  "Stalking" should not be used at all, ever, in an email or a conversation.  You guys think it's funny or even flattering but I suspect most women do not feel that way.  We do have creep radar and you just set it off, rightfully or unintentionally.  You can say the same thing in a much nicer way - say you keep coming back to my profile because you like my smile, or my eyes, or whatever it was that drew your attention. 
Anyway, I decided to compile a little bit of OKCupid message advice, so I am such a pro at it....well, not really, but I am an expert on what doesn't work. 
1.  No negging*, ever.  I don't care if the pickup artist video you watched said it's the best thing since sliced bread, it doesn't ever work in an email and probably hardly ever works in real life unless you look like Javier Bardem or Jon Hamm, in which case you could probably just read the phonebook and get better results.  No outright negging, and no subtle negging.  Don't tell me that I'm "actually" pretty, don't ask me what I think about a study showing that people who own cats are more likely to be depressed (yes, this was in a first email), etc.  Don't neg on other guys too unless I start it, which I won't at this early stage.  I had a tall guy make unprovoked snarky remarks about short guys who lie about their height.  I don't care about height but this did make me a lot less interested in him.
2.  If I don't write back immediately, don't send me another email.  This is not going to make me more likely to write back.  See above section on stalking.  Sometimes I check my email but am too tired/busy/actually at work and will write back at my convenience.  
3.  Write something to start a "conversation".  It doesn't have to be a lot, but if I get an email that just says "S'up?" I'm not going to write back unless your profile really stands out.
4.  Don't ask me to write back to let you know if I'm not interested.  I know you mean well but other guys have ruined it for you by using that as a reason to get rude or to try to get me to change my mind.  Believe me, I wish this was less of a game too, but after some trial and error I'm sticking to techniques that have worked well for other people.

Anyway, that's just a start.  I'm sure I'll think of more after I've been doing this longer.


*  "Negging" is a technique where someone jokingly/subtly insults someone with a backhanded complement like "you're really hot for a crazy old biddy cat lady with thyroid issues"  Supposedly this is all the thing now, thanks to the pick up artist (PUA) websites.  Since I am old, I haven't encountered it before now but am seeing it this time around.

White Bean, Swiss Chard, and Pancetta Pot Pie

The students have been on a pie kick.  In addition to the pie contest last weekend, they've been bringing in pies during the week.  All this pie has whetted my appetite for more and temporarily overcome both my diet and my usual dislike of making pie crust.  When Smitten Kitchen published a recipe for a swiss chard, pancetta and white bean pot pie, I knew I had to make it.  I love soup with chard, beans and sausage.  This sounded like a more decadent cousin.  I also like the idea of making anything into a pot pie.
I'm not going to paste the recipe here since it's pretty long.  Go look at the link if you're interested.  Basically, you make the dough for the top crust, then you saute pancetta, then onions/celery/carrots/garlic, then add chopped up swiss chard and cook it until it's softened.  The veggies are removed from the pot and a sauce is then prepared from a roux and chicken broth.  The sauce, veggies, and cannellini beans are combined, placed into individual ramekins, and then covered with the crust dough and baked.

It's not a quick recipe.  The dough needs to rest for an hour in the fridge, and the rest of the prep is steppy and each step takes at least ten minutes.  I wouldn't make it for a quick after work dinner, that's for sure.  I made the crust and prepped the chard in between rounds of painting my entryway. 
I bought a massive bunch of chard, and I used the stems, so I had probably twice as much chard as the recipe, and used two cans of beans instead of 1 1/3 cans.  So I had slightly more filling than the original recipe.  I left all the other ingredients the same, but substituted an extra carrot for the celery.  I put the mix into a 9" x 13" casserole dish and rolled the dough out into a rectangle just slightly larger.  I put it on top and cut some vents in it, and set it on top of a cookie sheet to contain any overflows.  It took about 40 minutes to bake up and was pretty and golden.  I was so preoccupied with eating it that I forgot to take a picture of it after it came out of the oven.

OMG!  It was so good.  The crust was sheer perfection!  I don't normally like crust, and I'm really bad at making it too.  This was an eye-opener. It was buttery and flaky and had a slight tang from the yogurt and vinegar.  It rolled out easily and didn't break.  The filling was great too.  I packaged the leftovers up into tupperware containers for lunch and got a total of seven servings from it.  (The original recipe suggests it makes four servings, which seems huge.)  I will definitely make the crust again and try putting it on other things, like chile or a bottomless fruit pie.  Heck, I might even try making a chicken pot pie.

You get what you pay for

I had a date with the third okcupid guy yesterday.    He's a divorced guy with two kids, a few years older than me.  He seemed nice and I'd be interested in seeing him again, but I have no clue if he's interested in seeming me again. I'm guessing the answer is no.  Before our date we had only corresponded by email.  He had asked me to pick the venue for our meeting so I suggested that we take a walk and suggested some possible options.  He wrote back that a flat walk would be better so the lake by the chem dept would be better.  I offered to do a coffee date but he thought his knee would be ok.  Anyway, it turns out he had torn his meniscus (same thing I had a few years ago) and had to walk really slow. I slowed down, and I'm not a fast walker to begin with.  We turned around partway through since there were some stairs.  When we got back to where we were parked I assumed we would walk a bit further but he said he needed to get off his knee and that he would talk to me soon.  He had looked at me like he was interested but that goodbye kind of sounded like a brushoff and took me by surprise.  WTF?  Yes, I'm clueless.  At first I decided that I would email him in a day or two if I didn't hear from him and say that I enjoyed meeting him and to let me know if he'd like to get together again. However, today I noticed he had taken down his profile on OKCupid and I am guessing that this not a good sign, either one way or another.  I will leave him alone and he knows how to contact me if he is so inclined.
This is the third time I've done online dating.  The other two times I met up with three guys in person before meeting one that I ended up seeing for a while.  I am a grand total of 5 lbs fatter and 2 years older than the last time I did this, and probably not any more cranky or cynical,but nonetheless it is irritating that I am not doing all that well with the okcupid dates, even though none of the have made a super good impression on me either.  I feel like an ugly fat old biddy, although in truth I don't know if that was the reason.  I still get guys checking me out and flirting with me, just not the OKCupid ones.  There is a part of me that feels like I need to lose 10 lbs before doing online dating.   I've spent too much of my life thinking like this. Honey badger seriously totally doesn't care.  There's a part of me that rebels against this now.   I've been rereading "The Beauty Myth" and it's still relevant.  It was written in 1990.  It was very prescient.  Although it got a lot of criticism for being anti beauty, it was not anti beauty, just critical of making beauty the be all and end all in a woman's life.   Anyway, one of the main tenets of the book is that women are now made to feel that they need to be beautiful to be loved/successful/happy/etc.  Men are not told this.  All the guys I met were sporting a beer gut and didn't bother to dress any different than usual.   By most standards both they and I are sort of average looking and are age appropriate.  The last thing I need to do is be more cynical, but nonetheless I get cranky because middle aged men don't get held to the same standard. 
Nonetheless, I am a stubborn honey badger and I'm not giving up just yet.  However,  I may just go use Match.com for a while and avoid those people who are only dabbling on OKCupid because it is free.

Dear random dude from OKCupid

Yeah, you, the "silver-fox" dude with the politician hair.  Yeah, despite the hair you looked kind of interesting for a minute or two, until I looked at your answer to the question "Would you date an overweight person". It doesn't bother me that you answered no - we're all wired how we're wired.  But then you had to go and qualify it with "Not even a little bit overweight.  It's so unhealthy" 
Fuck you, Mr "I've been smoking all my life and only recently quit and now I am so self-righteous about health."  I'm a Dr but not a M.D., but even I would hazard a guess that  a non-smoker who's 5-10 lbs overweight is probably more healthy than you.  Hell, I'm more than slightly overweight and I'd hazard a guess that I am healthier than you, partially because a lifetime of watching what I eat and exercising have not done much for my weight but have resulted in damned fine bloodwork results.  Fuck you, and enjoy sleeping alone.
Love,
Old Biddy

Can you tell that I am sick of fat shaming under the guise of caring about people's health?  I'll do a whole post on it sometime, but for now I'll just say that it pisses me off way more than just the usual dislike of fat. 

Old Biddy vs Cook's Illustrated: Biscotti Smackdown

OK, so it's not exactly Iron Chef-worthy, but Cook's Illustrated finally published a biscotti recipe that might stand a chance at matching my world famous Biddy Biscotti.  They had some older recipes in a cookbook, but I could tell they wouldn't be as good so I never made them.  There was nothing wrong with them, but they were old school low fat, low sugar ones that would need to be dipped in lots of coffee.  My personal recipe is somewhere in between - they can be eaten dry but hold up to being dipped in coffee.  Anyway, the new CI recipe featured ground almonds and more sugar for a less toothbreaking experience.  My recipe features slightly more butter,eggs and flour, a bit of brandy, and whole almonds.  The judges of this competition are me and Sheila, who knows she's getting biscotti but doesn't yet know that she's my guinea pig judge.  Surprise!

Pseudo-CI Almond Biscotti
1 1/4 cups sliced almonds, ground in the blender
2 eggs
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter (1/2 stick)
1 tsp vanilla
2 tsp almond extract
2 tbsp anise seed
1 3/4 c flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 325F.  Line a cookie sheet with foil or parchment paper.  Grind almonds in blender or food processor.  Melt butter and let it cool.  Beat eggs until frothy and then add sugar and beat until blended.  Add butter, vanilla, and almond extract and mix until smooth.  Combine dry ingredients and add half of it to egg mixture and blend.  Add ground almonds and remaining flour and mix until blended.  Shape into two flat logs on the cookie sheet.  (My logs were about 10" x 2").  Bake for 25-30 minutes until firm and lightly brown.  Allow to cool for 30 minutes and reduce oven temperature to 300F.  Slice into 1/2" slices and place on cookie sheet.  Bake until crisp and golden brown on both sides (rotate partway through) - CI recommended 35 minutes but mine took about 25 minutes total even though I had lowered my oven temperature.
It's not really a fair test, because I tested my variation instead of the recipe as written.  They recommended grinding up some almonds coarsely, and some finely.  I didn't have any whole almonds, so I used sliced almonds and just ground them up together to somewhere in between a coarse and fine grind.  I also added anise just to keep the flavor similar to my recipe.  The dough came together a bit faster, since I was able to use melted butter and didn't bother to toast the nuts beforehand.  I missed having my usual biscotti-making swig of brandy.  The dough tasted richer and sweeter and more almondy, almost like an almond macaroon recipe.  They baked up nicely during the first baking but didn't puff up as much.  They browned up much faster than I am used to in the second baking.  This may in part be due to the fact that the nuts were probably ground finer.   Coming out of the oven, I thought they tasted bland and somewhat overdone, but the next day I thought they had improved substantially and were safely in "Om non nom" territory.  However, that's not what you were wondering about.  Were they better than the Old Biddy Biscotti(TM)? Do I admit defeat to CI?  Hell no!   They're sweeter, and richer, and the almond flavor is more pronounced.  With some whole almonds, they might even beat my biscotti when I am in the mood for something sweeter.  A chocolate covering might be nice too.  However, I am not sure I'll be switching over just yet, at least not all the time.  I'm kind of fond of my usual biscotti, since I am biased, used to them, and like the contrast between the whole almonds and the cookie texture.  I may try putting a small amount of ground almonds in my usual recipe and see how that turns out.  Perhaps the rollout of Old Biddy Biscotti 3.0 is in order for the Christmas season. 

PS: Sheila - I'm putting them in the mail for you tomorrow.  Happy belated birthday!  Let me know what you think.  I'm sorry they're not chocolate covered - if I did that, there might not be any left by tomorrow morning.

F*&k you, gendered Disney gummi vitamins

I was reading the coupon book from my friendly neighborhood warehouse store when I saw an ad for Disney gummi vitamins, available in either Disney princess or Cars variety.  Um, WTF?!?!?  Do we really need to genderize and slap a Disney label onto every single thing little kids eat or do?  It already tastes like candy.  Keeping your kids from eating too many of them is probably a more pressing problem than getting them to eat one.  Indeed, if you type in 'disney gummi' into google, 'overdose' is one of the autofill options that pops up. 
Can we please just go back to plain old animal and fruit themed gummis?  I for one would like some honey badger gummis, with or without vitamins but most definitely without a Disney label.

No more coffee dates, ever!

Nothing good ever comes from a coffee date for me.  I am sure they work well for most people.  I had sworn off them after my experiences with the dreaded dinner time coffee date phase two years ago, but made an exception for K because he seemed like a nice guy, and he didn't try to schedule it during a normal dinner time.  In the end, though, I couldn't escape the coffee date karma and I just wasn't into him and he wasn't into me.
The first time I did online dating, I wasn't opposed to coffee dates.  I was fine with the idea of meeting up and seeing if there is a spark.  I still am fine with it in theory, but for some reason I have zero luck with coffee dates.  Perhaps I'm not at my best on a coffee date, or perhaps they attract a certain type of guy, or both.  Strangely enough, the guys I do end up seeing more than once all ended up being the ones who did not ask for a coffee date, and the ones who aren't interested in me, or who are kind of weird, are all the ones who insisted on a coffee date.  Mr Meh from a few weeks ago was the only one who didn't insist on a coffee date whom I didn't end up seeing a second time.  I am starting to come to the conclusion that the coffee date, or lack thereof, is a sorting tool for me, a primary screen of sorts (to use some work lingo), but not in the way that it is typically used.
Anyway, back to the topic of my coffee date with K. We met for coffee at a place downtown.  I got there on time.  He got there slightly early and went ahead and got his coffee before I showed up, and didn't offer to get mine.  I don't really care who pays for who, but he got major minus points for not being courteous enough to wait.  It was sort of crowded in the coffee house, and I had to wait to get the milk.  He said he'd meet me outside.  Again, minus points for being kind of non-courteous.   Anyway, K seemed nice enough.  He's a few years younger  than me, but looked older, perhaps because he's a burly guy with a beard.  I was not particularly attracted to him, and he did not seem to be particularly attracted to me.  We took a walk and drank our coffee.  When we were done we parted ways.  From my experience with Mr Meh and Mr NiceGuy a few years ago,  I've learned that if I'm feeling 'Meh' or maybe or even no, to wait and see if they ask if I'd like to get together again before saying anything out of nervousness or politeness.
Because I'm a cranky old biddy and am worried about my looks, I still get annoyed if guys whom I am not attracted to aren't attracted to me.  It's silly, I know, but I guess it's part of being middle aged.

The names we give our pets/Random cat musings from a plane

I’m a crazy cat lady and I like to blog about my pets.  Be warned.

Do you names your pets and then have that name stick forever?  Or do you name them and then add other names which may replace the original ones?  I’m in the latter category.  It apparently runs in the family – as a kid all of our cats got a second name, which usually became the main one.  Of the cats I’ve had as an adult, I’ve never renamed one, but only Luna goes by her main name most of the time.  Rugrat was so named because she was funny-looking and always underfoot as a kitten, but she never answered to that.  I usually called her ‘Miss Kitty.”  Lucy usually gets called ‘Honey Badger” due to her general tortitude, the fact that she is a lean mean killing machine, and my general fixation with honey badgers.  I probably would’ve named her that except that my honey badger fixation started a few weeks after I got her.  Sometimes I call her Lucinda, when she is being exceptionally bad or particularly sweet.  Molly is sometimes “Mousie”  or Molly Mouse because she was small, quiet and grey when I first got her, and I used to have a mouse named Molly.  Oh yeah, and Lucy liked to torment her.  She is no longer small or quiet, and is getting her revenge on Lucy, but the name has stuck.  I’m starting to call her Molly more often now that she is getting bigger.  I didn’t even think about the fact that she and Rugrat both got a rodent name until just now.  As for Luna, well, she is just Luna.  If I want to add more syllables, I call her “Big Miss Luna”. 

Molly the Mousie is almost six months old now.  She is almost 7 lbs, which I thought was massive until Missy told me that her kitten Thor, who is three weeks older than Molly and is also a Maine Coon mix, is 9 ½ lbs.  Maine coons tend to grow until they are two, and may fill out a bit more up until age 4 or 5.  The females tend to grow a lot more slowly after they hit adolescence and often end up a lot smaller than the males; Rugrat was around 6.5 lbs when she was 7 months, at which time she went into heat and I got her spayed.  She lengthened out the second year and filled out after that, but probably never topped 8 lbs.  Molly is scheduled to get spayed in a few weeks.

Molly’s personality is really developing nicely and I am reminded why I tend to pick out adolescent cats when I adopt them from the pound.  Kittens are super cute and sweet, but their personalities really develop around five or six months.  Young kittens are off in their own little world a lot of the time, but they become a lot more interactive and quirky once they get a bit older.  Molly is getting very talkative and affectionate, and bounds around the house like a gawky squirrel.  She has some of the same weird quirks as Rugrat, such as an obsession with dairy products, a fondness for climbing on my shoulders and chewing on my hair, scratching on the window when one of the other cats wants to come in, and a strange fixation with the garage.  She’s not particularly interested in faucets, but likes to sit on my chest when I take a bath.