By this point I should know better than to write back to anyone who messages me on OKCupid whom I'm not interested in, but no...There is a part of me who never learns. Anyway, Mr FullofHimself wrote me. He's in an open marriage. Here's part of his message.
I just switched my billing from "married" to "available" tonight.
Something's changed in my open marriage in the last couple of weeks. I
don't think we're headed for splitsville, but let's just say it's become
even clearer to me that the marriage isn't and shouldn't be my only
avenue for love. What I have to offer may be somewhat low in quantity
but very high in quality. You say you're looking for someone single so
this talk may be a turnoff. But if you don't mind me being blunt, do you
want to trade e-mails so I can send you a picture?
I know you'll find this hard to believe, but sometimes I'm just too nice for my own good, so I sent him a fairly polite brushoff letter instead of just ignoring him. I added the booty call part since pretty much everything about his profile and message screamed booty call and mid-life crisis.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty. You seem like a cool guy. However,
I'm looking for a relationship, preferably long term. I'm not averse to
having a friends with benefits situation in the meantime, but I have
recently come to the conclusion that if I do that it should be with
someone who actually wants to be friends, not just a booty call. I
prefer not to go after married guys, even those in open marriages.
Best of luck with everything.
Mr FoH wrote back promptly to tell me I'm a rude prude, or perhaps a rude slut. I'm not really sure which. Perhaps both. Apparently I offended his sensitive new age male sensibilities. Or perhaps he is this rude to everyone who tells him "no thanks" due to the fact that he is married.
Thanks for your reply. You misinterpret me severely if you describe me
as aspiring to a mere "booty call." That phrase bothers me, especially
if you're distinguishing it somehow from something you call "friends
with benefits." One advantage of a situation such as mine is that this
love and relationship terminology, or philosophy, can be much more
fluid. I actually am finding my heart has more, not less, love available
to share now that my marriage is open. I found this marvelous list in
the book Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. She says intimate
"may encompass many elements, including love,
friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact,
commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex,
and a spiritual connection."
Now I grant you it's amazing, and
lucky, to find all those wonderful things with one other person: that's
the monogamous holy grail. And the monogamous point of view also
implies, don't you go looking for any of those goodies with anybody
else. But as I look at that list, my feeling is that you only need any
one or two of those items with any one person for that relationship to
be rich and worthwhile, on either a short- or long-term basis.
course, none of this talk makes me any less wed, so perhaps it's
fruitless. And I'm sure you didn't mean any insult, but perhaps you'll
accept a gentle observation that your communication could show more
grace. I'll be glad to discuss further if you're so inclined:
Seriously, WTF?!? You want graceless - I'll give you graceless.... He unleashed some major "negging" on me for my sugar-coated and relatively inoffensive email. Let me call the wahmbulence for the married guy who gets offended that I implied he was looking for a booty call. What, do I hear the sound of the nanoviolins playing?!?!? The male privilege, it astounds me, even as an old biddy who is pretty cynical already. Don't get me wrong - I'm not going to go after married guys, but if I were I'd definitely prefer the simple booty call ones to the ones who are so self-righteously full of themselves.
I was very tempted to write back and rip him a new asshole, but I know that would be just feeding the troll. So instead I blogged about it here. The one good thing about all this is that if it keeps up like this I'm going to look forward to being a crazy old cat lady.