I just switched my billing from "married" to "available" tonight. Something's changed in my open marriage in the last couple of weeks. I don't think we're headed for splitsville, but let's just say it's become even clearer to me that the marriage isn't and shouldn't be my only avenue for love. What I have to offer may be somewhat low in quantity but very high in quality. You say you're looking for someone single so this talk may be a turnoff. But if you don't mind me being blunt, do you want to trade e-mails so I can send you a picture?
I know you'll find this hard to believe, but sometimes I'm just too nice for my own good, so I sent him a fairly polite brushoff letter instead of just ignoring him. I added the booty call part since pretty much everything about his profile and message screamed booty call and mid-life crisis.
Anyway, thanks for your honesty. You seem like a cool guy. However, I'm looking for a relationship, preferably long term. I'm not averse to having a friends with benefits situation in the meantime, but I have recently come to the conclusion that if I do that it should be with someone who actually wants to be friends, not just a booty call. I prefer not to go after married guys, even those in open marriages.
Best of luck with everything.
Old Biddy
Mr FoH wrote back promptly to tell me I'm a rude prude, or perhaps a rude slut. I'm not really sure which. Perhaps both. Apparently I offended his sensitive new age male sensibilities. Or perhaps he is this rude to everyone who tells him "no thanks" due to the fact that he is married.
Thanks for your reply. You misinterpret me severely if you describe me as aspiring to a mere "booty call." That phrase bothers me, especially if you're distinguishing it somehow from something you call "friends with benefits." One advantage of a situation such as mine is that this love and relationship terminology, or philosophy, can be much more fluid. I actually am finding my heart has more, not less, love available to share now that my marriage is open. I found this marvelous list in the book Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. She says intimate relationships
"may encompass many elements, including love, friendship, closeness, emotional intimacy, recurring contact, commitment, affection, flirting, romance, desire, erotic contact, sex, and a spiritual connection."
Now I grant you it's amazing, and lucky, to find all those wonderful things with one other person: that's the monogamous holy grail. And the monogamous point of view also implies, don't you go looking for any of those goodies with anybody else. But as I look at that list, my feeling is that you only need any one or two of those items with any one person for that relationship to be rich and worthwhile, on either a short- or long-term basis.
Of course, none of this talk makes me any less wed, so perhaps it's fruitless. And I'm sure you didn't mean any insult, but perhaps you'll accept a gentle observation that your communication could show more grace. I'll be glad to discuss further if you're so inclined:
Seriously, WTF?!? You want graceless - I'll give you graceless.... He unleashed some major "negging" on me for my sugar-coated and relatively inoffensive email. Let me call the wahmbulence for the married guy who gets offended that I implied he was looking for a booty call. What, do I hear the sound of the nanoviolins playing?!?!? The male privilege, it astounds me, even as an old biddy who is pretty cynical already. Don't get me wrong - I'm not going to go after married guys, but if I were I'd definitely prefer the simple booty call ones to the ones who are so self-righteously full of themselves.
I was very tempted to write back and rip him a new asshole, but I know that would be just feeding the troll. So instead I blogged about it here. The one good thing about all this is that if it keeps up like this I'm going to look forward to being a crazy old cat lady.
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