Ghosting

I have a confession to make. When I am tired and unmotivated at the gym I "phone it in" and ride the stationary bike and read trashy magazines. This doesn't happen too often, mainly because there aren't a lot of magazines so it's rare that I find a new one. Besides, this is Ithaca so there are some dull hippie magazines like Mother Earth News. Bleah. when I'm phoning it in I need brain candy.
Anyway, they got an issue of Cosmo so I eagerly hit the exercise bike. There was an article about what to do when your boyfriend just drops off the face of the earth. They even had a term for it - "ghosting", as well as descriptions of what to do when it happens at different times (early on, 6 months, a year). In the last few weeks I'd also read an account in the New York Times about someone whose fairly serious long term boyfriend suddenly cut off all contact, and T had someone ghost him around the same time that cowdude went all Casper on me, so women are guilty of it too.
Call me an old-fashioned old biddy, but is this some sort of new, crappy trend? I've been reading trashy magazines since I was a kid and this is the first I've heard of it. I don't mean disappearing early on - I've heard about that in the past. I mean thinking that it is ok to just disappear after a few months or more. Did some people misinterpret the general rule of thumb that you shouldn't break up over the phone or electronically to mean that it's better to just disappear? Is this some sort of new bad habit that is somehow being made easier by our reliance on the internet, cell phones, Facebook, etc.? I don't really know.
What I do know now, of course, is to be more of a honey badger and not let it get to that point ever again.

An odd olefactory reminder

The emeritus prof's office next to my lab is still drying out, not very quickly. They've had fans going for the last 2 1/2 week with the door open to my lab, but nonetheless it got moldy/mildewy. The carpet got washed with a cleaning solution a few times, and once it had dried down and the disinfectant, book and mold smells reached an equilibrium I was greeted with a very odd sensation. My lab now smells like cowdude's apartment. Smell is the most primal of the senses, and it is kind of unnerving.
Cowdude's apartment had a moisture problem, which he battled unsuccessfully for a while before getting a dehumidifier, hence the disinfectant, which is presumably the same kind they used in the prof's office.
I have been in a pretty good mood overall. Work is going well, I like my new office, and my diet is going well - somewhat slow but steady. And yet, last week, before the weird olefactory reminder, I occasionally felt bouts of anger towards cowdude, usually late at night, after a good and busy day. It was sort of unexpected and probably just hormonal. I remember experiencing something similar towards T after I had moved to Ithaca and had some distance and clarity on the situation. The difference is that this is a month, rather than a year later.
Fortunately, this had subsided by the smell started wafting into my lab, but I was still annoyed to be still grappling with reminders mental and olefactory.

Cowardude postmortem

I am mostly over cowdude now and am in good spirits. As some of you pointed out, deep down I wasn't all that serious about him either. I liked him and enjoyed his company, but in retrospect I was the one who was putting in most of the effort in keeping things going. That should've been a red flag right there. But it was sort of comfortable and non-threatening, and I let it progress instead of being more proactive.
He did email me back as I was taking the train back from Missy's. He had a knack for catching me in transit. He didn't really say anything new, except apologize and that he had told me as soon as he could, and that he had disappointed several other friends/family members during this time. It did help me gain closure to know how completely fucked up he acted to everyone and that this was not just some messed up breakup strategy directed at me. After a few days, I emailed him back and told him that it was a relief to have closure and not to wonder anymore, and wished him well. I do not think I will ever see or hear from him again.
I wish that it had ended in a more normal way, and I wish I had been more proactive all along, but at the end of the day I am sort of glad that I took the moral high road when I could've easily and rightfully ripped him a new asshole.
At this point, all I can do is learn from it and move on. I'm going to try to be more proactive and true to my inner honey badger. I'm also going to trust all of my intuitions more, not just some of them.

Massage/Good Riddance Day

Today is apparently Good Riddance Day. It's been going on for a few years, although I did not know about it. You can take tokens of whatever you'd like to say good riddance to, and shred/burn/destroy them. Obviously, I am amused by the timing, and may do a belated burn when I get back to Ithaca.
Continuing with the pampering theme, I got a massage today. That was probably more useful than Good Riddance Day. It was extremely helpful. Even without recent events, my body has become a mass of sore areas due to my various old biddy recurrent aches and pains. As always, I told myself that I need to get massages more often. This time I'm going to make it part of my New Year's Resolution and make it a habit. Yes, some of you have told me this in the past and you were/are totally right. Thanks for not giving up on pushing me outside my comfort zone and old habits. I know it takes me a while, but ever so often I do take your advice, albeit belatedly, and remember what you told me years before.

Return to sender: email to cowdude

I am doing much better now. It's a lot easier now that I have closure, and it also helps that I have been hanging out with my family and CA friends. I am sleeping and eating normally. I've been waking up at 5 AM with mind racing, but subtract out the mind racing part and that is just me, still on east coast time and is pretty typical when I travel to CA. I brood sometimes, but a lot less each day.
I wrote back to cowdude. Part of me wanted to do the cool aloof email - "Thanks for letting me know, have a nice life", and part of my wanted to something more in tune with my honey badger side "Thanks for finally telling me, asshole - bye. By the way, you weren't that good in bed..." His email was not nearly interesting enough to submit it to "Crap Email from a Dude" so I won't bother with that, although it is tempting.
Since cowardude actually had the temerity or cluelessness to write that he didn't know where his email left us, I decided to clue him in. I had a long boring plane flight to ponder my message, so it went through many iterations. It was an aloof but obviously pissed off masterpiece by the end of the flight, but later that night I modified it a bit from its aloof perfection, so a bit more hurt showed through. I won't post it here, but basically I thanked him for his honesty and said that after a month of keeping my distance I wanted to give him my side of the story. I told him that I noticed him pulling back in November, and eventually pulled back myself and mostly gave him his space since I didn't know what else was up in his life. Since he had alluded to his actions being out of character, I wrote that yes, it was out of character for him, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt rather than pester him or break up with him through some electronic means (intentional dig there). I told him that it hurt me greatly that he cut off all contact with me with no explanation and made me realize that whatever else was going on in his life, our relationship was not that important to him.
I then went into nice mode and told him that I had enjoyed his company, and left the option open of being platonic friends, if he was so inclined. I do not think I will hear from him again.
On a better note, I did have a few pleasant distractions during this time.
To the man sitting next to me on the flight: Thanks for asking if I was going to school back east, even though you do use probably use a variation of this line often. It did cheer me up. I'm sorry for then subjecting you to several hours of me fidgeting, sighing, writing, and rewriting.
To the merry couple at the baggage claim: Thanks for showing up in full Santa costumes (both of you!) with your dog in the cutest little reindeer outfit. It was truly an epic win. I wish I had taken a picture so I could post it here.

Email from cowardude, full story and the temporary return of breakup blog

Caveat: I don't normally blog about my relationships other then to mention that person in passing, but make an exception during/after a breakup, and even then I try to keep it mostly about my own feelings and responses. I do this because I find it sort of therapeutic. Also, I am much better at putting my thoughts into writing than in conversation. You can read it or not, as you see fit. These sorts of posts are usually left up for a while and then removed.

As I alluded to in previous posts, I hadn't heard from cowdude, now rechristened cowardude (thanks Missy!) in more than a month, other then a cryptic text message and birthday card. Once I realized that something was up, every week or so I'd call and/or send an email, but heard nothing back. At first I figured that something was up with work (things had been stressful there and were getting more so, plus it was nearing the end of the semester) and I know he tends to hide from the world and get very focused on work. I figured he would come up for air eventually and gave him his space. It was out of character for him, and I was puzzled. As time went by, though, it was more than could be explained by that excuse. I brooded and fretted, and realized that things were over, and that even if he didn't break things off, he was an asshole and not someone I should waste my time on. He did not make this easy, though, since and he had cut off all contact my only options were impersonal ones like email (which I didn't think he was checking, and there's no way I was going to send something like that to his work address), voice mail, letter, or text message. I decided to send a letter at the new year, if it came to that.
As I was boarding the flight from Philadelphia to San Francisco, I received an email from him. In it he stated that he had been under a lot of stress in November and December and had been extremely anti-social to friends and family, and hadn't checked his email in more than a month. During this time he realized that my birthday was coming up and that we hadn't talked in a while, and wondered why, and realized that he just hadn't felt like talking to me. This led to some reflection about our relationship and he realized he just "wasn't feeling it", which surprised him since it didn't make a lot of sense to him and he hadn't realized it before. He said that he didn't know where this left us (uh duh!!!) but that he would leave that up to me, and wished me well if he didn't hear from me.
Anyway, even though the message and the content didn't surprise me, the timing really sucked. I could do nothing on the flight but brood, compose my response to him, and read a novel that had seemed promising when I bought it but turned out to be really depressing. I couldn't call my friends, I couldn't call cowardude and call him an asshole, I couldn't cry, I couldn't exercise or burn off nervous energy, I couldn't throw stuff without causing a TSA incident, I couldn't take a bath or go on a cleaning frenzy. I could get drunk but I don't enjoy being drunk while flying, and it would've been expensive.
I did a lot of second guessing of my own actions during this time, and throughout our relationship. I was already well into brooding freakout mode by my birthday. If I had realized he wasn't checking his email at all I would've skewed more heavily towards calls. I don't think it would've changed anything - if it delayed his self-realization that would've actually been bad, but perhaps if I'd pestered him with lots of voice mails it would've gotten me some closure sooner. Or not.
I had judged him to be someone who was honest and direct, and who would tell me in a timely manner if he wanted out, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a long time. I knew about his tendency to hide from things on occasion, and that it had caused problems in other areas of his life, but did not realize that it could override the better aspects of his personality. I am definately better off without him, but it still hurts.
I spent yesterday visiting with friends and family, and it cheered me up immensely. Thanks to all of you for your support!
In a strange turn of events, I had made plans with T to have lunch yesterday. It was nice, and surprisingly normal, even under very weird circumstances. It was also a reminder that life goes on and things get better. In an even stranger turn of events, he had a relationship end recently under very similar circumstances, right down the the cryptic text messages and our relative inaction to the situation. (He was the one left wondering, not the one who disappeared.) So we commiserated about the whole weirdness of it all, and compared notes. (Take home message - be wary of people who are overly private about things that are completely non-sensitive bits of information.)

Blogging from a Train: Dinner with T

I’m a train going up to Sacramento now. It’s a little slower than driving, but cheaper than a rental car and I can goof off and blog.
I had dinner with T at his new house last night. I was sort of nervous, but in a different way than usual. In the past I was nervous that it would be weird or emotional. This time I wondered if perhaps we were just going through the motions and it would be better just to skip it. However, it was ok. It was nice to see him, and good to catch up, but I did not feel sad, melancholy, or annoyed with him afterwards, so that’s a big and positive change.
T looks a lot older now, and is balder and greyer. (Just an observation – I look older too and I’m fatter so I shouldn’t really be too snarky here.) Although he was in good shape, I didn’t feel attracted to him, so that was good too. And, unlike before, I didn’t really give a damn whether he was attracted to me or not.
He bought a fixer upper a bit over a year ago, and has been fixing it up very slowly. I am very amused that it’s taken him WAY longer to finish his bathroom remodel than it took me. He is a bit less smug and overconfident about remodeling projects now. It made me really glad that I opted for the new monster house rather than the fixer upper in Ithaca, and was glad that I could afford to do so there, when I could have never afforded it in the Bay Area without having to do a really long commute.
We talked a lot, but, as always, we didn’t talk about our current love lives. If he had asked, I would’ve told him about cowdude, but he didn’t ask. I did mention cowdude several times in the course of the evening in other contexts (‘my friend’) – if T read between the lines he might figure it out. Yes, T and I are both avoidance masters in that regard.
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. I don’t know where things are going with cowdude, but he has really helped me get over T and I am extremely grateful to him for that.

Crankypants August continues

If the Discovery Channel can have "Shark Week", then I'm going to claim Crankypants August, because I am sort of cranky these days. I could've have used those extra few days of vacation last week but instead I got fussy lab equipment and 'memory leakage' in some of the software.
Anyway, I'm cranky at my lab equipment, and at lab equipment, software and computers in general. It needs to work, but right now too much of it doesn't. None of this is my fault, but I tend to second guess myself nonetheless. It tends to go in phases, and at the moment it is acting up, which makes me write cranky blog posts. Consider yourself warned. I may delete some of the posts after a few days, and will not publicize them on Facebook unless they're funny.
Anyway, I am cranky at T. This is unusual since I haven't wasted any energy being cranky at him in a while. However, it is Crankypants August so my tolerance is low. I am tired of having T tell me all summer via IM that he's been meaning to call me. The first few times it didn't make an impression, and I didn't comment one way or another on it. After all, I haven't called him either and I don't plan to. But now it's starting to piss me off. He's welcome to call, but if he keeps telling me that he's been meaning to without actually calling it starts to make me feel like this is some sort of obligation that he doesn't really feel like doing and/or he is trying to make himself feel like he is such a nice guy for staying in touch with me. Last year he did a few courtesy calls, but I think they were strictly that. When the calls went to my voice mail and I called back later, I inevitably got his voice mail and no return call. I suspect this is more of the same, but there is no reason for it. I'm 3000 miles away and I have moved on, but nonetheless I don't like feeling like I'm the courtesy/obligation call.

Unpacking my baggage

I finally got my stuff yesterday.  I was starting to feel lost without it.  So much for being a minimalist.  The cats missed it too.  They were restless and whiny, and really wanted to go out since they were bored in the house.  I felt a little better once I borrowed an air mattress and got internet access from my neighbors, but I still felt discombobulated.
The movers showed up around  7 PM.  They were unloading until almost 11.  They were Russian, and looked like brothers.  One was cute and flirty.  He did the heavy lifting, but the other, skinnier one seemed to do a lot more work overall.  They certainly bickered like brothers. It's good I don't understand Russian.  Anyway, when they were done I went upstairs with the intention of making my bed.  I lay down for a few minutes, and it felt so good to be in my own bed I fell asleep instantly. 
The last week has been a whirlwind.  I've been leaving the house at 8 and coming home at 8 or later.  It's not all work. One night I got home around 9 and went out to get the mail.  My neighbors were drinking in the street, so I went to go talk to them.  One of them offered the use of his air mattress, and went up to his house to go get it while I hung out with the people across the street. The power went off, so we continued to drink and talk until midnight.  Tonight there was a block party.  They are a very friendly bunch.
I started unpacking today.  I made pretty good headway.  So far, the only thing that broke/leaked was something I packed myself, and it got thrown in at the last minute with less care than usual.  Everything that the movers packed survived fine, including my vase collection.   
Since I've been busy, I haven't thought about T as much as usual.  This is a good thing.  I wonder how much faster I would've gotten over him if the shit hadn't gone down at work.  Having had too much free time certainly didn't help, either. He was lurking on IM, but since I was busy and I need to set a good example for the grad students, I didn't IM him.  For some reason, I thought of him a lot as I was unpacking my kitchen, since that was a brainless enough activity that I could let my mind wander.  It's been so nice not to be brooding about T, so my mood was largely "F*&# T!  I should just ignore him when he IM's or calls and just phase him out of my life"  So of course he called.  I was upstairs and didn't hear the phone.  I got the message later. I went to the block party and didn't call him back.  Perhaps I'll call him tomorrow, perhaps I won't. A whole year has passed since things went bad.  I am 3000 miles away, both figuratively and literally.

Talk to the Butt....

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I have a confession to make.  I am jealous of those people from my former company who quickly found jobs and don't have to move.  Today I saw that the company started by my former boss had a job listing for someone with my exact background.  Even though there's no way in hell I would work for them again, and I'm happy with how things have turned out, my brain started doing the shoulda, coulda, woulda routine, aka wishing for the parallel universe where nothing ever goes wrong and I never make a mistake or speak my mind too much, and no one else makes mistakes either.
In this parallel universe ("SCW"), I would've maneuvered carefully through the hell project a few years back and not gotten kicked out of the group for reasons that were never entirely made clear to me, and former boss would not have made his own set of mistakes.  Let's say, since we're in SCW universe, that T and I never broke up either.  Then, in SCW universe, when I get laid off, I do like some of my former coworkers do and just go get a new job with former boss and life goes on very much as it did before.  La la la coasting along in fantasy land....But the reality is that even if this had somehow happened, I'd be fighting the same uphill battles at work that used to drive me crazy, and I'd still be in my comfortable but not entirely comfortable relationship with T, and I'd still be in the rut that I've been in, itching to have a mid-life personal and professional crisis.  
Anyway, to that I say, "F%^$ that shit!"  Apart from wishing I didn't have to move, there's nothing that could make me want to jump back into working for them.  Incidentally, although they've hired six people (in addition to the two founders) from our former company, they haven't hired any women, which is totally unsurprising given the history.
I admit, I still do the SCW routine about T.  But I'm starting to do it less.

Moss Landing Beach/Breakup Blog, 4 months/Layoff Blog, 2 months

It was a nice day today, and I needed to get away from my brother, so I went to the beach.  (I'm a mean sister, I know, but I did give him the option of joining me and he wasn't interested.)  I went to Moss Landing Beach.  Why there?  Well, I've never been and there was an article in the AAA magazine about it, which I read when I was in the bathtub last night.  I also thought I might want to hit the outlet mall on the way back.  It's a really nice beach - several miles of wide, sandy beach to walk on, and it's shaded from the wind.  I walked and walked and looked for sand dollars and rocks for the rock tumbler.   As I walked the sand dollars became less and less damaged, but it wasn't until I hit a river draining into the ocean that I found whole ones.  I gathered up six of them and turned around.  I also gathered a lot of rocks, since I need a new batch. There were lots of little round, colorless jellyfish on the beach as well.  It was about 4 by the time I got back, and I developed a blister, so I skipped going to Elkhorn Slough, but I may go there some other time.  There are a lot of birds there and you can rent a kayak.
It's been 4 months since T broke up with me.  I still have my ups and downs, of course, but the last week was a lot better.  Early and mid december were hard, since I was fragile anyway from the job stuff and I was getting hit with both holiday shit and anniversary reminders.  Remind me not to start new relationships during the holidays;-)
I'm stressing a little bit about my mammogram. OK, a lot, but I'm trying not to think about it. When I went to the OB/GYN last week for my IUD followup appointment, I mentioned that I was being laid off.  My doctor is very proactive and sent me in for routine bloodwork and a mammogram, even though I wasn't scheduled for one for another year.  The technician took a lot of pictures of my left breast, and even called another technician in to look at the pictures.  NOT a very reassuring experience...I'll report more once I get the results back.  I'm hoping that it's either deodorant residue or my thick layer of muscle and fat around my ribs that made it hard to get a good shot.
It's also been two months since we first heard that we might be laid off.  In some ways it's easier now that I know for sure, but at the same time it still sucks.  There's not much I can do between now and new year's, other than surf the job ads and apply for ones that sound good.  As part of our layoff package, we get a month's worth of services from a company that helps us with our resumes, job hunting strategies, etc.  I made an appointment to start the process the first week of January.  Who knows, maybe it will be useful, or maybe I will meet some hot unemployed guys there.

Calgon, take me away!

It was another crazy week.  Here's the play by play.
Monday: VP of my group walks into my office,closes the door, and asks if I'd be interested in working on a certain project if it gets extended.  This would push my layoff date to March 31, if we don't get bought.  I say yes.
Tuesday: T IM's me and apologizes for not calling or emailing, that he'd been sick with the worst cold he'd had in years.  Whatever  I am relieved that he didn't find the blog, happy to hear from him, still annoyed with him and annoyed at myself for still caring so much.
Wednesday: We have our layoff meeting with HR and the placement firm retained to help us with career services.  Us old biddies and geezers are told to take graduation dates off our resumes.  I get back from the meeting and find an email from the startup where I interviewed last week, inviting me to come back for interview #2, this time with a non-disclosure agreement, real chemistry discussions, and meetings with the folks I didn't meet last week.  T lurks in IM but I don't IM him.  I begin to ponder the fact that if the project gets extended, but we don't get bought, and I get a job offer, I may not get my severance package.  hmmm.
Thurday: a relatively uneventful day.  I send in my resume for a job in Colorado doing synthetic organometallic chemistry.  This company does a lot of scaleup for the chemical industry. There's a strong possibility that catalysts that were first made by me are now being made in large quantities there.  Someone emails me to tell me that the company where one of my former bosses is working is hiring. This is the boss who kicked me out of his group in a hush hush manner a few years back.  Not many people know about this.  Even people who do know still as me if I'm going to aply there. I give evasive answers and forward the email on to coworkers who are not on old boss's shit list.  Meanwhile, I look at the ACS job listings, and guess what - my other former boss's company is hiring!  I email them my resume, which now has graduation dates omitted, even though they know when I graduated.  There are other local jobs too, one for an organometallic chemist and one for someone with experience in emissions catalysis.  Weird.  I have never seen so many local listings for people in my field.
Friday: I go for my second interview at the startup.  It's total 'holy grail' chemistry they're doing.  It could be entertaining but I need to read more of the literature to really understand it.  The interview lasts twice as long as planned, so I don't get back to work until 2.  The stress is starting to get to me.  Naturally, when I would like to IM T he is not lurking.  When I get home there is a  message on my answering machine from the career services firm, as well as an email.  No, I do NOT want to start the process now because I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE and we only get one month of services so I want to use it wisely.  I send them a polite email telling them that so much is up in the air that I would contact them when I know more.  I go to the bathroom.  Period is here.  Woohooo.  Need to call tomorrow and make that IUD appointment.
So yeah, that's the short version.  I'm off to go swim/sit in the hot tub, but with a week like I've just had, I may need to start drinking and take a bubble bath when I get home.

Breakup Blog, 2 months/Reorg Blog, Day 1

On not getting laid, and possibly getting laid off...
It's been exactly two months since T broke up with me.  I've been distracted, first in good ways (painting my house), then in not so good ways (see below) so it was sort of a non-event. 
Yesterday we had group meeting.  The weasely HR guy and CEO were at the meeting - not a good sign.  First they told us they were reorganizing and getting out of doing research.  I must've gotten pale because G (former officemate, now VP of the group) leaned over and told me it was going to be ok.  Then they told us that they were in negotiation to sell our group to another company, who wanted to set up a research center here.  But since it wasn't 100% a done deal, the HR guy still had to give us the 'what to expect if you do get laid off' talk.  They told us to keep quiet until other groups had been told.  They didn't really tell us who all would be affected. It was very strange and surreal. 
It put me in a strange mood, and it was weird not being able to talk about it.  I ended up IM'ing with T for a long time that afternoon, although since I was still at work I didn't mention it to him.
Today a lot of people in other groups got told that they would be laid off when their project ends, or at the end of the year.  I didn't realize that they got told right before lunch, so I walked into a minefield.  They asked if I was affected.  I had to say that I didn't know.   I've witnessed two layoffs now and lunch is always weird, sort of like being at a funeral.
Once I realized how many people were affected, I got mad.  While I was babysitting my experiment, I spent the afternoon looking at job postings online.  Hey, they told us one reason they were giving us advance notice was so that we could make arrangements, so that's what I was doing. Later in the afternoon, a VP of the company who wants to buy the group came and talked to us for more than two hours.  Hopefully, the deal will go through and we will still be employed. 
I did wish that I could call T and talk about it.  There's probably no reason that I couldn't, but I didn't.
Tonight I skipped going to the gym.  I came home, played a lot of video games, baked cookies, and blogged.  I'm going to go pour myself a stiff drink and take a bath now.

Window Remodel: update + musings

The parts came in for my contractor's other job, so he will be starting the windows next Wednesday.
I wish I'd been blogging during the kitchen and bath projects. Most of you got the updates from me via email, but it would've been entertaining to have them all in one place so that I could go back and read it.
For reasons that I can't quite comprehend, my brother has very vehement anti-remodeling sentiment. It certainly wasn't from being overexposed to it as a child. We're both cheap and suspicious of the bubble-induced herd mentality, so that may be part of it, and he's seen friends get burned in the real estate market. He thinks it's a waste of money and a sign of being a yuppie scumbag. "It's so 2005", he said. Perhaps it is.
While I agree that there were lots of people who took it way too far, I don't think I'm one of them. Of course, I'm biased. I've lived in my house for almost nine years. At some point I realized that I didn't want to change the location or size of my house, but just make it work better for me. If I sell it, I may not get back all of my investment, but then again, maybe I will - the kitchen, which was the big ticket project, was paid for mainly through the sale of stocks, which of course are worth a lot less now. In any case, I'm glad I did it.
My brother's other objection is that people get so wrapped up in their houses as a way of finding meaning in their lives or avoiding dealing with other stuff. I had to chew on this one a bit more. In fact, I'm still pondering it. My peak remodeling years coincided with the latter half of my relationship with T. Partly it was because I started to see my house from a new perspective, and there were things that I'd just gotten used to, even though they bothered me when I first moved in. The same could be said about T himself - I'd gotten used to things about him that had bothered me at first. He certainly encouraged me to do it, since he likes to be the armchair remodeler. (He moves a lot more slowly when it's his own project.) And, to give him credit, he had some good ideas and supported me. However, I do think that my brother has a point, and in retrospect, perhaps I was doing it to distract myself from facing reality about T while at the same time I had accepted that I would be in my house for a while longer and I'd better make it the way I wanted it to be.
Of course, my brother does like to torment me, so perhaps that explains it!