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random musings of a crazy cat lady

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

I have a confession to make.  I am jealous of those people from my former company who quickly found jobs and don't have to move.  Today I saw that the company started by my former boss had a job listing for someone with my exact background.  Even though there's no way in hell I would work for them again, and I'm happy with how things have turned out, my brain started doing the shoulda, coulda, woulda routine, aka wishing for the parallel universe where nothing ever goes wrong and I never make a mistake or speak my mind too much, and no one else makes mistakes either.
In this parallel universe ("SCW"), I would've maneuvered carefully through the hell project a few years back and not gotten kicked out of the group for reasons that were never entirely made clear to me, and former boss would not have made his own set of mistakes.  Let's say, since we're in SCW universe, that T and I never broke up either.  Then, in SCW universe, when I get laid off, I do like some of my former coworkers do and just go get a new job with former boss and life goes on very much as it did before.  La la la coasting along in fantasy land....But the reality is that even if this had somehow happened, I'd be fighting the same uphill battles at work that used to drive me crazy, and I'd still be in my comfortable but not entirely comfortable relationship with T, and I'd still be in the rut that I've been in, itching to have a mid-life personal and professional crisis.  
Anyway, to that I say, "F%^$ that shit!"  Apart from wishing I didn't have to move, there's nothing that could make me want to jump back into working for them.  Incidentally, although they've hired six people (in addition to the two founders) from our former company, they haven't hired any women, which is totally unsurprising given the history.
I admit, I still do the SCW routine about T.  But I'm starting to do it less.

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